6.21.19

New Movie Endings: An Analysis of the Worst Decisions in Movie Footwear

Is there anything more annoying than watching a character in a movie make an incredibly dumb decision? Whether it’s opening the wrong door, picking the wrong boyfriend, or not aiming for the head, it’s these moments that irritate us because we are certain we would do better. I’d like to focus on another type of terrible decision main characters often make, and that is choosing the wrong shoes.

CINDERELLA

When it comes to getting Cinderella ready for the ball the Fairy Godmother makes a lot of interesting decisions. Most of them good, but there were some tough looks. The biggest travesty is her choice of shoes for Cinderella. First of all, while she takes some minor measurements for the dress, she doesn’t even glance at Cinderella’s feet, which are apparently a one in a million size considering no one else in the kingdom fits into the glass slipper. Then she clearly does not design them to really lock in Cinderella’s feet. How else do you explain them falling off not just once, but twice? Really shoddy craftsmanship if you ask me. Let’s also take a moment to talk about how the slippers ARE MADE OF FREAKING GLASS.

While they may look immaculate, there is absolutely no way they are comfortable. There isn’t an ounce of cushioning and I can’t imagine she is getting the greatest traction. What this girl needed was a pair of Nike Air Max 270 SE (Marche Botanical colorway). First, it’s going to make her night on the dance floor a lot more enjoyable. Not once during the dance does Cinderella engage in any conversation with Prince Charming and that’s because she has to focus all her energy to not scream out in pain from the glass poking into her foot. I bet a full-length Max Air unit would give her the comfort she needs to open up to the Prince, and you know maybe find out that he actually is the prince.

A pair of Air Max’s would also help her escape from the castle a lot quicker. Her “running” away is nothing more than a light speed walk, probably because it takes a lot of practice to run in heels. As a result, she barely escapes before the castle gates close. A solid rubber outsole in a waffle pattern would increase traction and durability, allowing Cinderella to at least jog to her carriage and lower the stress of the escape. While lowering stress may not seem like the biggest deal I doubt the kingdom has the greatest health care and repeated stress can be debilitating.  

Now some might say that the whole purpose of the glass heels is for one of them to fall off so that Prince Charming has a way of finding her, and there is no way a shoe is falling off if she’s in a pair of ‘270s. Except I believe that Cinderella doesn’t know how to tie shoes properly. When looking at the residents of the kingdom, I don’t see a pair of laces on any of their shoes. Therefore, shoe-tying philosophy hasn’t been invented yet. I don’t care what shoe you have on, if you don’t tie them then they are going to slip off. By going with the Air Max 270 Cinderella is getting a more enjoyable, comfortable night yet still reaping the benefits of having Prince Charming find her in a romantic (I guess?) way.

THE HUNGER GAMES

Hunger Games Cleat

Katniss Everdeen had a lot to deal with when trying to win the Hunger Games. There was a forest fire with fireballs, those tracker jackers, watching her friend die, taking care of Peeta, being forced to kill people to survive, mutant wolves, and then having to deal with the prospect of killing herself. That all took place within a week too, tough. You know what would have made her life a little easier? Cleats.

A pair of the Nike Phantom Venom Elite would have gone a long way in her quest to live. While the games aren’t taking place on a manicured field or turf, cleats would for sure be more helpful than combat boots navigating the forest. The studs would really dig into the ground, allowing Katniss to accelerate and change direction quicker. Maybe if she can get off the line faster, she avoids being grazed by the fireball and some unnecessary pain. The fact that cleats also weigh significantly less would allow Katniss to be faster on the battle field. Imagine if she’s able to get to Rue quicker. Maybe then Marvel doesn’t get the drop on them and spear Rue like a matador. Katniss’s poor shoe selection might have gotten that girl killed.

Katniss caught some breaks throughout the tournament. She was incredibly lucky not to sprain an ankle after climbing down from the tree somewhat uncontrollably. However, that drop temporarily dazed her and allowed the tracker jackers to get some additional stings in. Put on a pair of Phantom Venom Elites though and allow flywire cables to work to adapt to the shape of your foot which would have given Katniss a better sense of control and allowed her to get away cleanly.

Another advantage of cleats comes in hand-to-hand combat. You know what hurts like hell? Getting cleated in the leg. You can easily break skin and if you try hard enough you could really hamper your enemy with a deep laceration. That would have come in handy when she was getting choked out by Clove. Instead of having Thresh save her, the whole problem could have been solved with a nice kick to the left of the shin bone leaving a deep laceration. Clove would’ve been forced to deal a searing pain rather than strangling Katniss.

It’s hard to argue with Katniss’s footwear choices considering she won the thing, but I think she left her margin for victory too slim. If she heads out in a pair of cleats, I think it’s a lot more comfortable of a victory for her. I also believe there is an argument that in the end it’s Peeta, Rue, and her which means all three would have been declared victors.

SPIDERMAN: HOMECOMING

Peter Parker leads a complicated life. Trying not to be a loser at school, stopping petty crime, battling a psychotic villain. It’s no wonder Peter takes such a lackadaisical approach to picking the right shoes to head into battle with. Mostly because we learn Peter is going barefoot as he kicks off his shoes before putting on the suit. While I’m sure Tony Stark put some padding in the feet of Spiderman’s suit, there is no way that is doing Peter’s feet any good with all the running, climbing, and jumping from obnoxiously high heights he’s doing. The boy needs arch support. What happens if he gets a Jones fracture? Hard to be a friendly neighborhood Spiderman when your foot is in a cast for two months.

While Peter has seemingly mastered swinging from building to building, running is apparently a problem. That boy is constantly tripping over his own feet, and considering one of the benefits of his superpowers is incredible agility and reflexes I doubt it’s because he’s uncoordinated. Tony needs to redesign the suit to allow for Peter to wear some shoes. I think some adidas Ultraboosts are the best answer. They are light and the full-length Boost midsole will absorb and cushion the impact from every step, landing, or fall that Peter takes. The stretchy Primeknit upper wraps your foot like a sock, and a lacing cage is going to make sure that no matter how hard someone hits Peter, they aren’t going to knock him out of his shoes.

The main goal of putting Peter in shoes is to exercise a little injury prevention, but there are other benefits as well. For example, when Peter is running to the Washington monument to save his friends, I would put money on him shaving a couple minutes of his time both on the run and on the climb up the monument. If he gets there earlier, then it becomes an easier proposition to save everyone, and then he can use that extra time to cozy up to Liz. While I would usually argue against revealing a superheroes true identity Peter has some unique circumstances. Being a teenager it’s harder to explain your absences whether that’s from school or your academic decathlon team. We can’t forget that Peter is also trying to score a date with a girl he’s been crushing on for some time, and once he finally scores that date he has to ditch her at the homecoming dance to fight her dad. I’m sure she didn’t take that well, but she would probably be more understanding if she knew he was Spiderman.

Let’s not forget when Peter has to run from Flash’s party to stop a gun deal. He does more falling, property damage, and scaring little kids than he does damage to any of the bad guys. I have to think the Ultraboosts with their midfoot torsion system which is designed to increase stability would help Peter keep his balance during that run, and I’m sure the fine residents of Brooklyn would appreciate anything that would keep Peter from destroying their sheds and fences.

It’s amazing the impact one simple decision can have on somebody’s life. When you wake up tomorrow you might want to think twice about what shoes you put on, and if you’re in need of a new pair head to eastbay.com to find a wide-ranging selection of the top sneakers available.

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